My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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