I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
