If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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