textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
