apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i love accidental penises.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
