This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
