I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize