I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
