That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
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i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
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mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS