so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
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He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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