I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
