craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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