the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
