I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
