Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
