So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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