I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
