I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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