oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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