i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
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I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
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Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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