I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
