I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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