Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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