i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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