If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
birth control should be required to get into college
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
What a dumb baby whore.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
