Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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