Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
