just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
