also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
