I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
