She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
