My hand turned me down
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
