I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he fucked my hip out of place.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
