Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
