I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
