I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
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I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
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DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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