I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
