Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
last night I used snow as a chaser
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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