it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
