I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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