dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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