I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
