I have demons in me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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