My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
