my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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