So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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