glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
