when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
