my phone needs a breathalizer
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Just puked most of my soul out..
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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