I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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