Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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