Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
