Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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