I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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