I accidentally had phone sex last night
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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