btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
whose parrot is this?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
