I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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