Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
