come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
